My son just came home for the holidays from University and i get the feeling that he really hates being here and me.
He’s visited before and i found some medication in his bag which he’d been taking but didn’t tell me about. They were antidepressants (citalopram). I asked him what he was taking them for and he didn’t say anything he just ran out angry. I felt really hurt scared, totally worthless and alone. It’s like he’s a completely different person now. He used to be really shy and very afraid of everything and now he just does what he wants when he wants. He took a gap year before uni and planned on getting a job but couldn’t go out because he was too scared. I think he’s still taking the medication, because whenever we talk (rarely) whenever he’s in school he sounds so happy and i’ve also seen his pictures on facebook and he’s having the time of his life. I’ll admit life at home isn’t perfect. He has a younger sister who always abuses him for no reason. They haven’t spoken for about 3 months now. I know i’m not perfect, i kicked his father out of our home because he was beyond useless and i never allowed him to go out with his friends because i was afraid he’d get into trouble. I never had a lot of money but i just did the best i could with what i had.
He also has a LOT of anger towards his father who is a complete deadbeat and my son hasn’t spoken to him since he was 17 (he’s19 now) He also vowed to never go to his father’s funeral.
Could this be why he hates me? Nothing i ever do ever seems to make him happy and in fact he gets extremely angry rather than happy. Just yesterday i asked him to drive somewhere with me and just got angry out of nowhere and he now refuses to talk to me. I even offered to do something nice for christmas but it seems like he just can’t wait to go back to university.
Help me please i’m at a loss as to what to do.
I feel like such a failure as a mother as my eldest and only son won’t talk to me. I know he’s a good kid as i raised him without a dad and he’s NEVER been in trouble in school and he always does his best without disturbing anyone.
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Tell him you need to have a talk with him and ask him what’s going on, ask him all of the questions you want to know. You don’t seem like a bad mom, it’s probably just him.
Because you suck as a parent
probably because you were snooping through his bag and other personal things.
I’ve been there before…your son doesn’t hate you, he is just confused and has hatred towards his life in general. It may feel as though he hates you but really he is just struggling with himself and his feelings of family and unity, and you just happen to represent those two values. With time, he will realize what those things in his life mean to him, don’t give up on him but don’t be overbearing…all you can do is let him know that no matter what, you are there.
Personally, having read what you wrote about his …and my Not being in a good frame of mind, I’d suggest that you help him out by packing for him’, showing him where the front door is and giving him a timetable of how to get back to his university.
It might not be the ‘helpful’ answer you want, but it is a ‘positive’ one he maybe needs.
Sash.
As a 19 year old girl myself, who has similar situation with my parents, i think it’s the best thing to talk with him..and i don’t mean some serious “we need to talk thing”, i mean that you ask him about his present life, friends and things he do, but in a way like a friend who wants to know about him. if his younger sister is being mean to him, tell her to stop and make him see you’re on his side.
I’m sure if u aproach as friend to him, and talk to him as adult about stuff that happend and are going on, he will aprechiate it and tell you about his life.
good luck and i hope this helped
You “felt really hurt scared, totally worthless and alone.” when he got angry. That is an extreme reaction to your son’s moods. Your son may sense that you are wanting him to help you *not* feel hurt, scared, worthless or alone, and he knows that he cannot do that for you. It sounds very much as if you are struggling with anxiety and depression.
You said that your son “used to be shy and very afraid of everything”, and you also said, “i never allowed him to go out with his friends because i was afraid he’d get into trouble.” Was it your son who was afraid? Or you? How did your son get to be afraid of everything? Did he pick up on the fact that *you* were afraid of everything? When you realized that he was afraid of everything, did you seek treatment for him, to help him grow more confident? Did you encourage him to get out of his shell and do things? Apparently not. In fact, you way that you refused to allow him to go out because *you* were afraid.
You said, “He has a younger sister who always abuses him for no reason”. How long has this been going on? Did you take steps to protect your son from abuse? Did you seek treatment for your daughter, who was being abusive?
You have some mental health issues that you need to address. You “feel really hurt scared, totally worthless and alone.” You have such high anxiety levels that you wouldn’t allow your son to participate in activities appropriate to his age. You formed relationships and had children with a man whom you describe as “totally useless”. You allowed your daughter to abuse your son.
This is not your *fault*. This is not about *fault*. This is about depression and anxiety and how it can affect you and how it can affect your family. When you realize that you are struggling with feelings of loneliness, a sense of being overhwhelmed or unable to cope, and fear and anxiety, then it is time to consult your family doctor. You don’t have to see an expensive psychiatrist. A family doctor can prescribe some antidepressants and even anti-anxiety medication, if that’s what you need, and can refer you to counselling.
Since your son is already getting treatment for his depression, he might be more responsive to you if you talk about *your* mental health treatment (not his). Go see a doctor, get the ball rolling, and the next time you are talking to your son, mention that you did it. It might help to reassure him that you recognize there are issues, and that things might actually change, and give him some confidence that if he talks a little about what is bothering him, that there might be some hope that it would actually do some good.
You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m now 20 at university right now and I think it’s just when you are at uni and living in the dorms you are having the time of your life, a fresh start to life and so much independence. You do what ever you want, whenever you want, with whoever and no one can tell you anything.
So the thought of going back to the old ways, living with parents and all the family problems just sounds horrible. When he visited he must have just felt like all his old problems were coming back to him and he was ‘alone’ again, it’s that irritated feeling.
I don’t think it’s you, he knows you love him, it’s just that he is trying to change his life and be happy and everything at home is still the same. Same old sister, same old mum, same old road.
Or maybe somethings happened to him and it’s not your place to know.
If i was taking anti- depressants I wouldn’t want anyone to know, especially my mum even though I’m really close to her, you just caught him off guard and broke his privacy.
Just tell him that you are there for him and when he does talk to you, just listen, I mean really listen, no interruptions. If he wants your opinion he will ask.
Trust me I acted the same way at 18-19.
You shouldn’t know about him taking antidipressants, pretend you don’t know, he is angry coz u found them and asked him, children like to have secrets, if my mum asked me what stuff was like that i wouldnt tell her!
so even if u do enjoy spying on him dont tell him what u find.
all u can do is wait, if u stop annoying him chances are his huff will go away, just try talking to im tomorow saying hi, or in a few days just talk about something else, but dont ask why arent u talking to me coz that will just make it worse, just try to move on and act like that never happend