My younger brother is currently (right now) living his last days after a losing battle with cancer. He is one of six of us siblings and the first to be passing away. Our parents also died of cancer, Mom died 22 years ago and Dad died 3 years ago. Our family is understandably heartbroken that cancer is taking another one of our lives, as you can imagine.
My sister is an alcoholic and it only takes a drink or two for her to begin her binge of getting annoyingly drunk. Her behavior is disruptive, irrational and unpleasant, to say the least. We all put up with it because she is family but as her alcoholism goes on, it is getting harder and harder to forgive her habits of ruining get together and causing mayhem where ever she goes. We try to keep alcohol from her when we get together, but she sneaks it in, finishes other peoples drinks and is a closet drinker. We do not see her drink, but the next thing you know, she is plastered. Even after promising not to drink and denying she even had anything to drink after obviously being intoxicated. It takes very little for her to get drunk as her liver can no longer filter the toxins and the booze goes straight to her bloodstream and to her head.
We have to kinda babysit her when she gets like this because she ruins things, breaks things, takes things and it is rather exhausting for us to watch over her like a two year old with adult capabilities. The drama she causes is unbelievable. Especially the days she begins drinking when she wakes up, because then it lasts all day long. So, now you get the picture of what she is like and the maintenance that is involved in just inviting her anywhere. Her adult daughter has zero contact with her as a result of the alcoholic behavior. Unlike us siblings, her daughter simply has disowned my sister.
Now, my other siblings do not want to tell our sister when my brother dies so we can all mourn without the sister drama and have a lovely memorial service and celebration of life. Then tell her that our brother died, after it is all over with. I have been asked to cooperate with this cockamamie plan. I have always been very close to her and I still am.
This is wrong. I cannot keep our brother’s death from my sister. That is so wrong on every level. My father’s sister, our aunt, says we should all take shifts to watch my sister to be sure she does not drink. We already know that does not work. Then the plan is, if she does drink, we drop her off at the airport and one of us misses our brother’s memorial service all the while. Whelp, we have done that before and she was not allowed on the plane because she was intoxicated after spending hours at the airport lounge drinking after her luggage and purse were stolen with her ID. (part of some of the drama I was referring to)
My hands are tied. My sister has a right to be at our brother’s funeral, don’t you think? What would you do??
Loading ...
1st You’re right, your sister deserves to know when he passes. (Side Note: I’m sorry about your brother, he’ll be in my prayers).
2nd Make sure your sister knows that the service will be alcohol free and if she shows up plastered she won’t be allowed to stay. Have someone check her purse/bag when she arrives to make sure she’s not trying to sneak any in. Make sure she knows that the day is not about her and it would be a great disrespect to your brother if she were to drink before/during/or after his funeral. Give her the chance to do right, if she starts acting unruly put your foot down and make her leave. Eventually one day she may understand, but on that particular day your family should be focused on your brother.
I think it is wrong, but I understand the other siblings. No one has seemed to use the Al-anon approach to dealing with an alcoholic. Maybe you can consult them about how to handle a memorial service.
What about getting her into rehab before he passes?
You should follow the wishes of the dyeing person.
It seems everyone knows what she is like, so one day out of their lives is not going to hurt. Let her come.
I want to know why none of your family has brought her to rehab. Alcohol is serious, like any drug, and she needs help. Your sister is an alcoholic, but to not have her at your brother’s funeral? Your family for heaven’s sake! You grew up with her, experienced the same deaths, and you aren’t even trying to help her? Did anyone ever think to get her help? You deal with it because she’s family, but when a family member is distressed you ignore it.
You should record what she does when she’s drunk and show it to her sober. Tell her that her brother is dying, and his dying wish was for her to sober up, or something. You are pushing her away by not telling her about your brother, and you are pushing her even further because you are not getting her help. You will definitely push her over the edge if you tell her that her brother died, and the funeral was already done. You will be making her problem worse.
Get her help!
EDITED: Stubborn sister. Sorry for being rash; from the post earlier it just seemed like no was helping her with her problem. Even if my brothers had issues with alcohol I would still want them there if another sibling was dying. Doing what you are planning to do could make it worse for her, and you may feel guilty afterwards. But from another point the plan may send a message to her. From what it seems like, she may be far gone. Keep sending her to rehab. I would, if you could, get a doctors note or something to keep her in rehab a little longer. You can’t stop her from drinking, but doesn’t she realize that she’s been in rehab eight times? I think your brothers and sisters should have one final talk with her. If she doesn’t clean up then part ways. Hopefully she will see that her drinking is tearing the family apart.
You seem to have a very heavy load to deal with and my sympathies goes out to you and your family. Your sister needs professional help and should not be inflicting all this pain on her siblings at such a terrible time. You seem like a very brave person and my advice to you may be a hard thing to do but i suggest its for the best. In order for your sister to accept the help she needs, she needs a wake-up call. She needs to understand that her drinking is ruining her life and hurting the people that care for her the most. I suggest you have a chat with her and explain she is not welcome at the funeral due to her drinking…..its tough i know, but pussy footing around wont help her, she needs to hit rock bottom before she can start to pull herself back up again. Give her the numbers of alcohol support groups and let her know that you will be there for her once she starts to help herself. Im afraid tough love is the only way you are going to get through to her. Its truly sad that her drama is is taking over from your brothers finally days. Try to concentate on him and not her, he is the important one just now. Take care of yourself and be strong. Hope everything goes as well as they can. My thoughts are with you and the family xx
It’s long over due for all of you to give her some tough love like her daughter has done. No drinking at all and if she does drink, no contact. No getting her out of trouble. Let her hit rock bottom. Anything else and you are helping her to die. As far as the funeral goes, I would not tell her since she seems to find a way to mess everything up no matter where she is at. There is little doubt that she will be drinking on that day should you tell her and your family should not have to put up with her nonsense on a day when they are so sad and grieving. No one should have to baby sit her like a Little out of control child. You have made it too easy for her to ruin a lot of events in your life and it’s time to get tough. You say she doesn’t work and yet she finds money to buy all this drink plus she has to live somewhere. Someone is enabling her to be able to do nothing but drink. That should stop too if possible. Your sister lost her rights when she ruins family things over and over again by being drunk all the time. Tell her later about your brother. If she has a hissy fit, tell her the truth why you did it and make no apologies. Too bad, so sad due to her bad behaviour.
I had a thought while I was reading this for your siblings to watch over her in shifts then read a bit further to see that you’ve already tried this.
I understand that you feel guilty about not telling her but I think that you have to take a step back considering that your brother is dying and how your other siblings feel about all of this and go with the majority vote on how to best move forward with this.
As an outsider, I’m inclined to advise that your sister not be anywhere near the memorial to avoid any unnecessary drama because it sounds like you’ve all been through enough and your brother’s memory deserves to be celebrated with some peace instead of looking after a grown woman who has put your entire family through her drunken tantrums time and time again.
You and your family need to intervene with your sister and collectively let her know how you all feel and that nothing will be tolerated from her during the time your brother is on his death bed and his memorial. If she can’t snap out of it and hold it together during that time, then the other alternative, and it will be by her choice, is to let her know that under no uncertain circumstances will she be allowed to attend.
Good luck!
im so sorry 4 ur lose… gee u really r in a tough spot…since this is is he’s dying wish u should probably do it…but remember this may split u and ur sister so maybe u should tell her…and that is her brother 2…