I’ve had it with my fiancé’s 16-and-a-half-year-old son, who lives with his mother, my fiancé’s ex of nearly five years, and am ready to tell him off. My fiancé and I have been dating for two years. The son refuses to have anything to do with me and is jealous of my fiancé’s relationship with me. I’ve had contact with him only one time, at a birthday party, and he ignored me until I approached him and asked him to try and understand his dad’s need to have a life. Afterwards, my fiancé caught hell from the ex, who said that I badmouthed her to her son—a total lie. I’ve never before or since spoken to the son, and I’ve never spoken to the ex or to anyone about her.
My fiancé is supposed to have weekend visitation every other week, which has never happened. Even when he makes plans to stop by and see his son, the son cancels at the last minute. It breaks my fiancé’s heart. When he does get to see his son, such as when they make plans to go to lunch, my fiancé gets there and the son asks my fiancé to just give him the money that he would have spent for the lunch because he needs a new backpack, new cell phone, new shoes, etc. And then my fiancé is asked to leave. The ex just says he was lucky that he got to see his son for a while.
The son constantly tells my fiancé—who was homeless and bankrupt when I met him, living with a 68-year-old woman, and now living with me—that it’s not fair that his dad goes dancing with his “girlfriend” while his son needs books for school, new clothes, etc. (My fiancé pays child support, even though he’s still bankrupt and doesn’t even have enough money to file for bankruptcy. He owes me nearly $4,000. I pay for nearly all of our “dates,” which are mostly free or cheap. Recently, the ex put such a guilt trip on my fiancé that he cashed in his life insurance annuity and gave all the money to her and the son. He doesn’t even have enough money to pay for his funeral if he dies.)
When my fiancé talks on the phone with his son, he asks the son if he wants to say hello to me and the son says he has to go and hangs up.
I’m ready to tell this kid that I don’t give a flying rip if he ever speaks to me. The kid is old enough to accept the fact that his father has a new life and a woman in his life, and that he would be on the street if it weren’t for me. I’ve sat by and watched the boy break his father’s heart for two years, and watched the ex and the son extort money (some of it mine) from my fiancé for two years. Yet, my fiancé has never lost his temper and continues to talk gently to his son like he’s a two-year-old. The boy (young man) is in 11th grade, taking 12th grade classes. He’s smart. He’s no child. I’m mad. I think the boy (young man) needs a good tongue lashing. I seriously don’t care if he ever speaks to me because I’m inclined to never speak to him if he does come around at this point. I’m the kindest, most generous, soft-hearted person in the world. I don’t have children. This kid could stand to benefit from me. But I’m nobody’s fool. Look at all the years he’s wasting, mostly of the time he could be spending with his dad. I want to give him a piece of my mind.
My fiancé keeps putting off marrying me—I think because of the son. And I’m tired of living in sin. I’m at my wit’s end.
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You either live with life the way it is, or end the relationship and move on. He will never marry you if he is postponing because of his son. His son is controlling him and always will.
Your problem is with your fiance, not his son. He allows this to happen. He won’t stand up for his son to his ex, or to his son for himself or you.
Well I dont think you are handling this properly, why on earth are you trying to make the peace all the time with this adolescent kid ? Let him think what he likes he is not your problem but you are making him it.
The last thing you should do is have words with the son, all you can do is stay sweet and smile a lot – think what you like and do it through gritted teeth but do it. The son wont have anywhere to go with this if all you do is appear to be pliable, understanding and helpful.
Of course you are angry and thats just what the kid wants, you have danced to his tune and he is winning.
Have a word with your fiance about the wedding plans and dont moan, or even mention his adorable son. If your fiance brings him up just say you think you got it all wrong with him and he is a good kid and you understand his feelings towards you and you are not bitter.
Throw your man off balance and go the other way, sometimes a little shake up works wonders and for goodness sake keep your opinions about this obnoxious child to yourself.
Best of luck for the future xx
In my opinion you will make him serious and tell you problem and he will start to speak with you.
If you tell off his son, then you are just as bad as the son is.
Ignore the son. He is old enough to [legally] refuse to see his father. It is unfortunate and even more so that the mother cant step in for the sake of the son and the relationship with his dad. Dad needs to buck up as well and grow some balls. If his son asks for money, refuse it. he pays child support, his son is angry and unfortunately ungrateful, and is being allowed by both of his parents to act that way. When dad talks to his son on the phone, your name should not even come up. Your relationship with your fiance has nothing to do with the son. Yes, you are correct, he needs a gould tongue lashing, but not from you. and yes, he is waisting time he could be spending with his father, but that is their problem, not yours. Take a few steps back and remove yourself from any equation that includes the son. You will in time, feel better. Tell your fiance that under no circumstances will you tolerate his sons insolence towards you, on screen or off, and leave it at that. This can be corrected, but it is up to dad to do this. you stay kind, caring and polite…that is the best thing you can do, and when the son gets older, not only will he have no leg to stand on for acting the way that he did, he will see that he wasted a lot of time and energy in his anger. There is a great website called Steps For Stepmothers…join up. Breathe, an be well.
I had this problem with my husband’s daughters when we first got married.
I think a lot of it has to do with his ex. You all need to be on at least speaking terms for the sake of the children. When we first got together we organised a sit down with his ex and straightened everything out, like money, visiting and what we would say and how we would speak about each other. It’s most likely he acts that way because of his mother and maybe she doesn’t even realise this. Or maybe she does, I don’t know. But it sounds like he feels as if he is being hard done by financially because of his dad’s relationship with you. And he really shouldn’t even be aware of money when your husband is paying what he agreed to.
When we did this sit down, the girls eventually came round to the idea. It’s been difficult but it has to be done for the children’s sake. If your husband wants you in his family then he is going to have to make some sort of effort to achieve peace and if he doesn’t then maybe you need to ask yourself some questions.
Good luck
The problem is with your fiance, not the son. You need to consider that your fiance is a whipped puppy. So totally lacking in self esteem that he doesn’t recognize manipulation. His kid does not love him. Until he accepts that fact, he’s going to keep trying and trying and nothing will get through.
For some kids, this is just an anger thing. For others, they really don’t give a crap about their parent. Sounds like his son falls in the latter category.
Post this at this group for stepmothers, along with the state where you live.http://groups.yahoo.com/group/2ndwifeclu…
Tell dad to join this group for help.http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Dads_House…http://dads-house.org/EducationalManual
♂♀