I’ve had it with my fiancé’s 16-and-a-half-year-old son, who lives with his mother, my fiancé’s ex of nearly five years. My fiancé and I have been dating for two years. The son refuses to have anything to do with me and is jealous of my fiancé’s relationship with me. I’ve had contact with him only one time, at a birthday party, and he ignored me until I approached him and asked him to try and understand his dad’s need to have a life. Afterwards, my fiancé caught hell from the ex, who said that I badmouthed her to her son—a total lie.
My fiancé is supposed to have weekend visitation every other week, which has never happened. Even when he makes plans to stop by and see his son, the son cancels at the last minute. It breaks my fiancé’s heart. When he does get to see his son, such as when they make plans to go to lunch, my fiancé gets there and the son asks my fiancé to just give him the money that he would have spent on him for the lunch because he needs a new backpack, new cell phone, new shoes, etc. And then my fiancé is asked to leave. The ex just says he was lucky that he got to see his son for a while.
The son constantly tells my fiancé—who was homeless and bankrupt when I met him, living with a 75-year-old woman, and now living with me—that it’s not fair that his dad goes dancing with his “girlfriend” while his son needs books for school, new clothes, etc. (My fiancé pays child support, even though he’s still bankrupt and doesn’t even have enough money to file for bankruptcy. He owes me nearly $4,000. I pay for nearly all of our “dates.” Recently, the ex put such a guilt trip on my fiancé that he cashed in his life insurance annuity and gave all the money to her and the son. He doesn’t even have enough money to pay for his funeral if he dies.)
When my fiancé talks on the phone with his son, he asks the son if he wants to say hello to me and the son says he has to go and hangs up.
I’m ready to tell this kid that I don’t give a flying rip if he ever speaks to me. The kid is old enough to accept the fact that his father has a new life and a woman in his life, and that he would be on the street if it weren’t for me. I’ve sat by and watched the boy break his father’s heart for two years, and watched the ex and the son extort money (some of it mine) from my fiancé for two years. Yet, my fiancé has never lost his temper and continues to talk gently to his son like he’s a two-year-old. The boy (young man) is in 11th grade, taking 12th grade classes. He’s smart. He’s no child. I’m mad. I think the boy (young man) needs a good tongue lashing. I seriously don’t care if he ever speaks to me because I’m inclined to never speak to him if he does come around at this point. I’m the kindest, most generous, soft-hearted person in the world. I don’t have children. This kid could stand to benefit from me. But I’m nobody’s fool. Look at all the years he’s wasting, mostly of the time he could be spending with his dad. I want to give him a piece of my mind.
My fiancé keeps putting off marrying me—I think because of the son. And I’m tired of living in sin. I’m at my wit’s end.
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1) He’s 16
2) You are going to be his stepmother.
What did you expect?
Just ignore him. The more you try to “explain” things, the more he is going to shut you out.
Remember, you have lived the last 16 years of YOUR life without him. A couple of more isn’t going to make any difference.
other than that, he is his FATHER’S problem. YOU should NEVER get in the way, and NEVER try to discipline him, “explain” things to him, and ESPECIALLY no “tongue-lashing” YOu are not his mother; discipline is DAD’S job.
You and Dad need to have a long talk, hopefully in the presence of a Family Counselor, concerning the raising of children in ‘blended” families. This is a TOUGH issue, and one that MUST be resolved BEFORE the marriage.
In fact, this issue is so important that you should reconsider your marriage as being dependent on this problem being worked out. if your fiance refuses to go to family counseling, then YOU don’t get married! [The kid doesn't have to go, but sooner or later the counselor WILL want to talk with him, and then that's DAD'S JOB. to get him to go.]
Otherwise, you are looking at a butt-load of anguish in your new marriage, and problems between the three of you that could end your new marriage before it gets a chance top grow.
GET FAMILY COUNSELING NOW!!!!
The reason the man talks to his son is because he is his son. That is his flesh and blood women come and go but that is his son forever no matter what. You had no right telling the boy that you and your fiance have to have a life, that honestly wasn’t your place. Honestly you have to care what the boy thinks because that is his son. He is 16, he is still a kid and obviously he has a lot of anger in his life and he doesn’t need a tounge lashing from daddy’s girlfriend. I can understand why the mom was angry at you for talking to her son like he needs to know something. The only thing I agree with you on is the money situation. If your fiance is paying his child support and she is still screeching and crying and getting more money by laying in the guilt trip you might want to sit down calmly and speak to your fiance…and my advice for you and the boy is encourage your fiance to patch things up with his son, and then kill the son with kindness to win him over. Try love. If you love your fiance you should love his kid to. Stop your selfish thinking it isn’t all about you. you are the adult. act like one.
Are you sure you want this drama for the rest of your life? You will be marrying this situation you know. If it were me, I’d run for the hills!
I totaly agree with Gary B … just think how much could get solved with family counseling
Ino it probably seems that your fiances son is the biggest problem – but everyone has a part in this and sorry but you shouldnt really be “explaining” anything to him – that is his PARENTS job NOT yours…
If he continue to not speak to you just act like he is not present when he come around and stop taking it out of his father because that is not way the problem is?
The problem is coming from jealous and insecure ex wife? She is the one causing all of the problem for you and your finance and she is tell the son how to treat you so you can become mad with the situation and broke up with your fiance. because she want revenue because you have taken him in allow him to be his own man again and she is doing everything she can to do to see him loss a better woman then she could have been and now it is rolling over to you and now this is what she want to see happen! please don’t give her pleasure.
I don’t think the child has anything to with the de late of the marriage the is hurt from that last relationship until he want to feel like a real man again. What he need to do is break away from his son and allow him to come to him because the child is older to think on her own.
I am speaking from experience at the present my son a new wife and family and they’re very happy and he did all of the same thing you’re talking about, you use to go over to home talk with but I look around his always sending the to his dad and want him to buy him the same things he does for his new family and cause problem his wife and I witness that I stop going over there whenever she call acting like he need something, now I don’t respond and she change her tune.
Therefore, don’t look that the situation as you is cause of the problem that what they want to think and have a one on one talk with you finance and ask him to express to you his true in there feeling and let him know you understand what really happening and the situation will change in your favor don’t give up now you have been through to much to give. Good Luck
Post this at this group for stepmothers, along with the state where you live.http://groups.yahoo.com/group/2ndwifeclu…
Tell dad to join this group for help.http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Dads_House…http://dads-house.org/EducationalManual
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