i know i posted this a couple days ago, but that was at like 12:00 at night. alright, i started this at midnight and i just wanted to know if it sounded alright. 
thanks.
I’ve always wondered what it’s like on the outside. It’s not just me, I know that. Everyone has those impure thoughts that do nothing to help the community, and I doubt even the elder hasn’t dreamt of having the sun touch his cheeks. Something other than the consuming dark, swirling snow.
But no one has these thoughts as often as I do. No one actually wants to do something about it. No one wants to break out, to get out from under Elder’s control. That’s bad, though. You’ll get killed just thinking about something like that.
I place my weather ridden hand on the stony wall, feeling the roughness beneath my fingers. I spread them out, rubbing them on the stones. I want to see the bright sky beyond the wall, instead of the never ending storm. I need to feel the grass beneath my bare feet, warm and crisp.
“Your brother’s going to suffocate.” a calm, calculating voice surprises me, enough to make me drop my hand immediately and scramble to pick up my baby brother, who had been previously playing in the soft gray surrounding us on all sides. He had dug his way headfirst into a mound, and he was squirming around, attempting to pull himself out. It wasn’t working.
I take him out in one, swift gesture. His face is a sort of blue, the sort that all the corpses in our community wear. “Oh,” I mutter wrapping him up in my shawl. Behind me, Dexter smiles grimly.
“Better get him home. I don’t want to be around when your mother finds out that he died.” I start to rock the three year old in my arms.
“He’s not going to die, idiot. He’s just a little cold, you know.” My brother- Ethan- gurgles, his lips not the regular pink.
“I’d get going if I were you.” He sticks his hands in the pockets of his trousers, and saunters past me. “If he does, you know, end up needing one, my mother plans great funerals.” If I wasn’t holding an unconscious three year old in my hands I would’ve turned around and punched him square in the gut. But I needed to get Ethan home.
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NICE!
It’s pretty good! It needs some editing but I like it.
That sounds like a really cool story! I don’t really know what it’s about but from what I can tell it sounds creative. I also like your writing style. It made me want to read more.
Here. We. Go!
-”…and I doubt even the elder hasn’t dreamt of having the sun touch his cheeks.” This sentence was awkward, and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have proper grammar. It would be better as: “… and I doubt that even the elders haven’t dreamt of having the sun touch their cheeks.”
-”Your brother’s going to suffocate.” a calm, calculating voice surprises me…” The word “a” should be capitalized. And “calculating?” I, as the reader, aren’t sure what you’re trying to say here. Experiment with other words.
-The rest was really great! I would read on!
Good Luck!
It’s very good so far.
“Everyone has those impure thoughts that do nothing to help the community”
^^ that part sounds a little awkward. The second part of the sentence is fine, but this part doesn’t flow very well. I think the word impure is a little out, and the last part about helping the community seems much too forced to fit with the story at the moment.
You need a comma after ‘consuming’.
I’m confused about the fact that you just said that the Elder would want to have the sun again. But then you say that everyone is under the Elder’s control? Does he truly want to be there or not? It’s kind of contradictory there.
Oh, and the first sentence implies that your character has never been outside. How does he know there’s a sun then? Or grass? Or a bright sky? You might want to elaborate on that or cut it out, because even if he does know it through legends and folktales, I doubt most people will mention grass.
After the first words Dexter says, ‘a’ should be capitalized.
“He had dug his way headfirst into a mound, and he was squirming around, attempting to pull himself out.” Slight misuse of commas, or I could be wrong. It doesn’t sound right though so rewording it would be best.
And just a little question, how is there light in there? Is it artificial light? Since there’s no sun. I’m sure you explain it later, but I’m just curious =P
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. Good luck with writing!