My fiance and I were getting ready to have the ceremony of our lives when his father and teenage sister were killed in a car accident. My fiance, Gabriel, was really close to his father and his sister was an absolute angel. When we got the news, he actually collapsed and we had to rush him to the ER. This was all five months ago.
We called off the wedding, which was supposed to be in the fall of next year. Gabriel has been so enclosed and uninterested in everyday life and I am truly scared that he could do something awfully drastic. Our relationship is now very strained. Where in the past we woke up just to see one another, now I believe he just “gets through” the day with me. He told me that my lack of emotion annoys him but I’ve told him that although I loved his father and sister like they were my family, they aren’t my family and I can only mourn for so long. I don’t believe we will set plans for another wedding because we’ve grown so far apart. I want to save this relationship but I don’t think he cares and I don’t want to leave him in his current state.
He has been through so much in his life. His mother died of an overdose when he was 17, he was estranged from his brother, and now his only family is gone. I want to be the woman that he can trust to stand by him but he isn’t giving me any hope. I’m still madly in love with him but I don’t know about him. We don’t have any deep communication anymore so I don’t know where he stands about us continuing this relationship. I don’t want to leave but he isn’t giving me another choice. Any advice?
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counseling, right now, both grief counseling and relationship counseling. Yahoo Answers can not help your relationship!
What a terrible tragedy he’s had to deal with, I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine the pain associated with that type of loss. I really think you need to give him some more time. 5 months my seem like a long time, but when you’re in that kind of mourning, it’s really not that long. Just try to be there for him, tell him you love him, and if you really do get concerned about his well being, ask him if he’d agree to speak to a counselor/psychiatrist/psychologist. He may need to talk to a professional to work through some of his feelings of loss (though with guys it’s especially hard to get them to admit they need help, I know).
Try to stick it out. You really do love each other I think, and he’s just going through a hard time right now. “For better or for worse”, right? This is the worse. You’d be dealing with the same thing if you had already gotten married- would you get a divorce over it? Probably not. Just give him time and offer your help and support. Good luck to you both.
Let me ask you this…
Lets say his father and sister died AFTER you got married…would you still consider “leaving” him? I suggest you BOTH go to counseling and no matter what… YOU STAND BY YOUR MAN!
Good luck!
He is likely suffering from depression and, if he will talk with you about it, tell him, “I understand that you need time to grieve and I am not trying to rush you. But I hope that you will consider seeing a counselor, because you suffered a terrible loss and you don’t have to carry that burden around by yourself. If you’d like to talk with someone about how you’re feeling, just let me know and I’ll make an appointment. All you need to do is go talk.”
Don’t ask him to make a decision about your relationship yet. Give him a chance to get into some therapy and work through this tragedy. He’s not himself right now. If you truly want to be the woman he trusts, don’t walk on out him when he’s grieving over a very recent and horrible loss.
First of all…I am sorry for your loss and for your fiance’s loss.
Second, 5 months is not long at all. Seriously, people grieve differently. He has no interest in things is a sign of grieving and possibly it has moved into a depression.
I would think that you could both benefit from counseling (especially grief counseling.) You can’t “help” him right now. That is a myth. And, he can’t get over it…ever! This will be with him forever. Yes, his grief will ease and eventually (hopefully) he will be his old self again, but you need to give him time and space.
If you cannot afford counseling, there are many free counseling services out there. Lutheran Social Services; Catholic Social Services; Employee Assistance Programs, etc. Look into it.