I married a man my family did not approve of on racial grounds. The contact between us just dissipated gradually over the following years. They said some very hurtful things about him, even though they never stepped up to actually meet him face-to-face. I tried calling them when I got engaged, to give them notice that I was getting married and to give it one last try at restarting our relationship, but my Dad scoffed, ‘A relationship with YOU? I think there’s been far too much water under the bridge for that!’
So, we carried on with our lives despite the pain. I stopped communicating with my family at all, since they had hurt me so much over the man I loved. We never see each other now.
However, my Mum just rang me to say that my granddad (her dad) died four days ago. I was shocked and I cried a lot today… She told me when the funeral is, and I told her I would get back to her later about my travel plans. The thing is, I’m scared stiff of going. I don’t want my volatile-tempered father to say something snide like, ‘Well look who decided to show up!’ and upset my grandmother when the poor lady just lost her husband. I know they’re all going to be looking at me and thinking, ‘She just ****** off and married a foreigner without a thought for her parents or anyone else…’
This is not how it was, but I know it will be very easy for them to cast me in the role of b**** and treat me accordingly, and all on the day of my poor granddad’s funeral, when we’re all supposed to be focused on his loss and supporting my grandma.
I know I should probably go and ’support my family’ but I know they won’t see me as a support; just an unwanted interloper. If there’s a scene or someone says something bad, I won’t be able to bear seeing my grandma upset, even though she didn’t agree with my marrying who I did. Anyone thinking that if only I hadn’t have been there everything would’ve been fine would be the worst thing that could happen to me on Grandad’s funeral.
Part of me just wants to leave them alone and slip quietly in later when everyone has gone, to leave some flowers and pray for him. What do you think? Should I risk the scene that could potentially ruin the funeral, or do my quiet alternative? It’s all the same to me whatever I do. That day is supposed to be about my granddad – not about us and our petty arguments. If I pray and leave flowers alone, it will still be from me to him, and there will be no tension or hurt feelings among my family.
Thoughts?
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It is an unfortunate situation for you to be in at a time of so much tension between you and the family. However, they are going to be the way they are and they’re not going to change, even with the death of your grandfather. But remember one thing that is important to you – your heart. If you loved this man dearly and feel saddened by his death, then go to the funeral and pray and leave those flowers from you to him. Do it whether you want to do it while they are there, or if you just want to slip in quietly. It is you that must satisfy yourself, not for you to see if anyone approves or disapprove of your presence there. Do what will make you feel most at peace. At least you will not have any regrets in the future. Never let anyone else make yourself feel out of place, ever. I hope you choose what you think is best, and hoping that my advice will at least shed some light. I am sorry for your loss. Best of luck.
hi, if i were u i would go to this funeral for no one just for ur dead grandpa and his wife.also, it would be nice and strong if ur husband go with u, to show ur family that he’s with them in white and black, no matter what was between you, and to show them that he deserve to be a member of this family. may god help u. and take ur grandpa to the highest paradise AMIN.
It sounds like your father is a bigot and a racist. And some of your other family members as well. We all have flaws of one kind or another.
If you choose to go to your grandfather’s funeral, then that act cannot be faulted. You should not avoid it simply because someone else might cause trouble and behave inappropriately. You are there to pay your respects, and only an absolute fool would interpret your actions differently. Your having the courage to be there should be seen as something worthy of respect, not scorn.
On a related note, it would be helpful to get a clearer idea of who among your family accepts you, and who does not. Is all the contempt coming from your father? Your grandma? It is a sad state of affairs to be completely “excommunicated” from your entire family. If at least some of your family understand your point of view, then that is a start to feeling better about the situation. The bottom line is, you married your husband, presumably, because you love him, and it will never be your fault if someone thinks there is a problem with that. We cannot do anything about the actions of others, but we do have control over our own actions and principles.
So in summary, go to the funeral, it is your one and only chance to show your sincere feelings about him in the presence of your family. Rise above the behaviour of others, and do not be baited by any fool who would start a conflict at a funeral (and believe me, only an A-grade fool would do that…). Be brave, and you will feel better about how you handled it for the rest of your life.
I think you go to the funeral as you would any other funeral.
The only thing you can control is YOU. So go and behave yourself. Don’t allow yourself to be baited into any arguments and don’t say anything negative to anyone.
This day is about mourning your grandfather and you SHOULD go.
Quit worrying about everyone else’s opinion or what they might say/do. If they say/do something snide, so what? They’ll just look like an idiot for being rude at a funeral.
So you GO. Hold your head high, be polite and show them that there’s at least ONE classy lady in the family.
I would go to the funeral to let your family know you were there and payed your respects. If your dad or anyone else says something smart just ignore them and don’t even look at them, just as if you didn’t hear them say anything or they weren’t even there. I would not take your hubby with you though because that would for sure cause a scene by the sounds of things. Good luck!
well, you can’t win this one, no matter what you do.
grandpa is dead and gone, so you’ve missed your chance to ever see him again.
it sounds like the best thing for you to do would be to stay home and send flowers instead.
then you can go to the gravesite in a week or two and leave an arrangement of silk flowers on the grave, they last longer.
i believe relationships should always be mutual. it’s futile to try to have relationships with people who reject you (for whatever reasons). in this case, the more you try, the more ‘emboldened’ they get with their beliefs because they have nothing to lose. until they offer the olive branch, you are better off living your life without them.
whatever you do now, do it for your grandpa and what he would have wanted. not for you, not for anybody else. i am sure your grandpa do not want a scene and unpleasantness. i am not sure if your grandpa rejected you but if he did, then he probably did not want anything from you. if your grandma did not reject you, call your grandma to express your sympathy. other than that, leave them alone.
as wrong as they are with their bigotry, you should not force your choice on them either. live your life and be happy.