My first son was stillborn in august. the cause was an incompetent cervix, my wife and i knew nothing about it till it was too late. Ive been told that if a transvaginal ultrasoud had been done at my wifes last checkup, they would have noticed the problem and something may have been done to prevent it..i really dont know. I just havent been able to find peace since it happened. we held a funeral for him, and i carried him to the grave myself, thinking maybe this would help me get some closure, but it didnt. i dont know what to do. ive been putting up a stron front for my wifes sake. Im really just destroyed inside and i dont know how to handle it. Im an atheist , so please dont tell me it was gods plan for my son to die before i could ever know him, i dont wanna hear anything about religion. i just need to know if there are any support groups or something i could join that could maybe help? i need a therapist, but i cant afford it, nor do i have time for it. i just…i need help..
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If you can’t afford a therapist nor have time for one then I suggest you find someone you trust to talk to. You have to let these feelings out. The more you talk the better you will be able to deal with it. You want feel better. Nothing will make you feel better, but you will be able to deal with it better. I’m pretty certain that if you reach out for help within your family and friends that they will be able to help you find a support group.
You are suffering depression. Get some medication and find some way to release your feelings.
Sorry for your loss.
If you get in contact with your local pregnancy crisis center then they might be able to point you in the right direction as far as support groups.
I am so sorry for your loss and there is nothing that I, or anyone else, can say that will make you feel better. Sometimes, bad things just happen to really good people. You are allowed to grieve and you should because there can’t be healing until you have come to terms with what happened. Just give yourself some more time. You loved him and there was nothing that you could have done to save him. I understand that you feel like it was your job to take care of him and protect him but this wasnt your fault. Also, it isnt routine to have a transvaginal ultrasound done. The doctor’s didn’t know there was anything wrong and unless you are leaving out a few details, had no reason to think there was. Healing takes time. You will never forget him and there will always be a part of you that mourns the loss of your child but there will be better days.
There are many online support groups for people who have lost children. My mother lost a baby due to a birthdefect, and found a lot of help in the online forums. One of the women she met on there is actually my younger brother’s god mother. There was also family support groups in our comminuty. Our mother made us go to them, they didnt so much help us kids, but they made her feel better too. Maybe you and your wife could go together?
I am so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy was with twins, and there were serious complications that caused me to deliver at 25 weeks. One of the babies was stillborn, the other was born healthy but lived only 10 days. So I can sympathize with your pain.
Everyone heals differently, so you have to do what feels right for you, but since you asked, some things that helped me were reading a few books on the topic (“Empty Cradle, Broken Heart” and “Tender Fingerprints” were excellent — not religious, if I recall correctly) and talking to others who had been through something similar. If you ask around among your family, acquaintances, and coworkers, I can almost guarantee that you know someone (even a friend of a friend) who has lost a child that you may not even be aware of who would be willing to talk with you. Obviously if you’re an atheist you don’t belong to a church, but perhaps the funeral home who helped with your son’s arrangements could even put you in touch with someone to talk to. Talking with someone who has shared a similar experience is helpful for a lot of reasons, and I highly recommend it if there’s any way at all for you to find someone in your life.
Remember, too, that time heals all wounds. It really, truly does, even if you can’t imagine it now. When I lost my babies, the pain was literally crushing, and I didn’t know how I was going to resume my own life (get back to work, laugh again, maybe have more children). The thing that’s most painful about the death of a baby is not so much that you’ve lost someone who was part of your past, but that you’ve lost someone who was supposed to be part of your future, and snatching that future out of the jaws of death is incredibly hard. But you just put one foot in front of the other, and every day it gets easier.
I have since gone on to have another child (a son, now 3 years old), and am planning to try for another one very soon. My living son could never replace the 2 we lost, and we don’t expect him to, but having him has put a lot of joy back into our lives, and although I still think of the twins every single day, it’s been a long time since thinking of them has really made me sad. They’re a part of me always, but the pain of losing them has faded so much.
The last thing I will suggest is that you not “put up a stone front for your wife’s sake”. Although it is important to be strong for her, being strong doesn’t mean acting like you’re fine. It means acknowledging your shared grief and pain and working together to find ways to come through it and begin to enjoy your life together on the other side of it. If you shut her out, you may find that when you come through the grief and pain, you’ve ended up in one place and she’s ended up in a completely different place. She’ll appreciate knowing that you hurt, that you grieve, that you miss your son, and that you need her to help you heal. Trust me.
Good luck, and sorry again for your loss. I won’t say I’ll be praying for you, because that won’t mean much to you, but I’ll be thinking of you and your son.