ok so the other day i posted a question that apparently yahoo deleted. if you didn’t read it, here it is in a nutshell: my fiance’s best friend killed himself on sunday. my fiance has been taking it really super hard. he hasn’t turned to me for support though – he has not wanted to talk to me about it, he has just wanted me to be there as a distraction. this made me very upset and i asked yall if i was right in being upset. yall said no, back off and be there for him in the way that he wants me to be and not try to talk about it or anything. so that’s what i did. i have been staying at his house and cooking for him and playing video game with him and going on walks with him and trying to get his mind off the situation as much as i could. i have let him know that i was there for him, but i didn’t try to force anything.
yesterday, he told me that since the death of his friend on sunday (keep in mind, this has only been 3 days), our relationship “hasn’t felt right” and he doesn’t think he can marry me anymore. i gave him back the ring, and left his house in tears.
we’ve been dating for 4 years and were best friends before that for 4 years, and we’ve both been very happy the whole time. we have our fights and whatnot, but we always work everything out quickly and our relationship has been very smooth and natural and amazing. i am firmly convinced that he is my soulmate, and until a few days ago i thought that he was too. i thought that we were both very excited about getting married in a month! sunday before he got that phone call, he was still saying things about how he is happy i am going to be his wife and he is so lucky, and he even built me a recipe box and was being so very sweet like he usually is to me. he was putting the finishing touches on the box when he got the phone call that changed everything. i am completely blindsided. well, kinda. i was blindsided on sunday, i guess… i asked the other question because it made me upset that he wasn’t turning to me for support through this, and it made me question things. i guess it made him question it too.
so anyway, what do i do now?????? i don’t know if he actually means it and it’s over, or if he is just emotional from the death. the funeral was today and i went and he told me he appreciated that i went and he loves me, and he gave me a hug but he did not try to kiss me. should i just back off and give him space to figure this out and change his mind??? or try to convince him that he’s wrong? the wedding is 5 weeks away so if we put things on hold for too long, we won’t be able to get married if he does realize that he’s wrong, but at the same time, i can’t continue to plan for this wedding after he called it off, even if he wasn’t in his right mind.
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It most likely got deleted because you have posted this same thing several times.
Obviously, cancel the wedding. Make the calls to vendors as well as your side of the guest list. Either try to get a hold of him or his parents so he or they can notify his side of the guest list.
Even if he does change his mind within the next month…you two obviously have too many issues to be marrying right now anyway. There’s a lot to work through. He doesn’t feel comfortable confiding in you and apparently doesn’t think you’re capable of comforting him in his time of need. And it doesn’t sound like either of you are 100% solid in your relationship, as you’re both having doubts about it.
Just live your life. If he comes back, cross that bridge when it happens. Get back into the groove of things and fix the problems going on. But don’t jump right into wedding planning. I wouldn’t marry anybody if i were having these types of problems…not until they get settled.
Oh, I’m so very sorry. What a thing to be hit with so close to the wedding, and the life you thought you were living. I’m sure if things were good before the death of his close friend, and he’s taking it badly, a wedding is the last thing on his mind and he may even feel guilty for being so happy with you when his friend was obviously suffering greatly with depression. Maybe he feels if he wasn’t spending so much time with you that his friend would be alive because he’d have seen or known something. Of course that isn’t true, but when you’re overcome with grief, we can think all kinds of things.
I’d go about postponing the wedding now, at a minimum. The closer you get to the wedding date, the harder it will be to do. I don’t know what else to advise. It seems you’ll have grieving of your own to do here.
I’d give him one more chance and I’d do it quickly. If it doesn’t work, then cancel the wedding. This doesn’t mean end the relationship, but there’s something here that isn’t right. It’s not that he shut you out, because people have different ways of dealing with grief. (For what it’s worth, it’s also immature of you to keep track of who he’s talking to about it and who he isn’t. For that matter, how would you even know?).
So you have to be careful how you talk to him. Don’t second guess how he’s handling this. In fact, try to avoid the topic entirely. Instead, just ask him point blank: If you meant what you said the other day, I’m going to cancel the wedding and call everyone. Is this what you want me to do?
This may not be a fun convo, but it’s unavoidable. And he owes you that much. If he doesn’t see that, then it’s proof positive he’s not ready to get married and you aren’t either. Parts of his reactions are very normal, but breaking up with his fiancee is not.
Oh my gosh. This is one tricky situation. As soon as he began this crazy talk about ending the relationship, I would have left and given him time to think. I do believe he acted on frazzled emotions and is not in the frame of mind to be making such life altering decisions as in cancelling a wedding and breaking up with you.
He is really hurt over the loss of his friend. He is questioning life, the fairness of his friend’s death, he realizes life is fragile and that has kicked him in the @ss. One of my siblings died and when that happened, I did not care about anything that was previously important to me. Nothing seemed to matter in the scope of losing a loved one. Christmas was meaningless and I did not decorate or buy one gift last year. So, I can only imagine your fiance feels the same way. I did come around and resumed my life and I am sure your fiance will, as well.
I say give him time. But, you really do not have that much time to give him, as your wedding day is fast approaching. Is there someone close to him who can talk to him? What about one of his parents or one of hs siblings or a mutual friend? Certainly someone can talk to him to see where his head is. He suffered a huge blow and needs to regroup so he can carry on.
Please do not think that whatever he said is his true feelings because you know better. I know first hand that it is IMPOSSIBLE to console a grieving person. I have been that grieving person more times than I care to admit. Six years ago I was holding my good friend’s hand when he took his last breath. Nothing on this earth could have made me feel better, nothing. Only time to wrap my head around what actually happened is what made me feel more acceptance about what happened. You could have given me lobster, martinis and chocolate chip ice cream and nothing would have consoled me. So, I get how your fiance feels.
But, still, your best bet is to have someone talk to him or wait a week and show up at his house to talk. You cannot let too much more time pass by as you will either need to finalize plans or cancel them. If everything is paid for and you cannot get your money back, CraigsList your event out to recoup some money. I do not mean to sound crass with that suggestion, but there is no sense in letting the day go by without at least trying to get some money back if it is not going to be your wedding day after all. I am rooting that you will get married, after he comes to his senses.
You need to push your ex fiance to get counseling immediately! Or speak to his parents and tell them they need to get him into counseling because the suicide of his best friend is hitting him hard. Tell his parents he randomly dumped you and is really upset and sad about his friends death and seems to not know how to handle this situation.
I am sorry but dont try to get back with him right now. I would cancel the wedding plans and wait to see if he gets into therapy (get someone to get him into therapy) and dont get back together with him unless he starts seeing a therapist! He needs counseling!
This might end your relationship. Sometimes a tragic event can suddenly show you the true side of a person. Back off after telling him and his family he NEEDS counseling asap. Then just leave him alone. If he really loves you he will miss you and eventually contact you to get back together.
He’s going through a hard time. I think it has nothing to do with you. He isn’t in the emotional state to get married right now. Cancel plans and be there as his friend. Tell him he can come to you anytime and give him space. Give it some time and then see where you two are. If you truly think you belong together, just be patient and he’ll come back to you.