My best friend for most of my life (since we were 16 years old) has just died. We were very good friends. His death came as a relief to me since he was suffering so much from liver cancer at the end.
He has made no burial plans, and as far as I can tell, has left no instructions with his wife of seven years, an educated Chinese lady from Hong Kong who has an OK command of English. He had a good job with the U.S. government, has some savings and probably a retirement pension and some other benefits she is due.
He is survived by a brother, who he is not close to, and an elderly father. They both do not live nearby.
Over the past 9 months, since he was diagnosed, I am the one who has suggested to them what to do, up to putting him in a hospice at the very end (last week). I even dealt with the oncologist and helped select the health care system for them at the end.
Here is my problem. My natural inclination is to step in and help his wife. She lives on the West Coast and I am on the East Coast, I cannot just fly there today. I am due to go out on May 2. I know that he has no funeral planned (she told me), and suggested a cremation. But this is not my questions.
Should I be proactive and suggest things to her like I did today, or stay out of it right now — I am not family, she has family in Toronto that will be helping her, and his brother and father are still around. It is just so hard for me to sit here and do nothing, especially since she is so overwhelmed. I am the first person she called with news of his death, we have been talking all week I also have been flying out there every quarter to visit and help my friend.
What can I do? My mom (who was close to my friend) says I am in too deep already and need to lay back for now. I don’t know.
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Your mom is right
Yes, you should
This is a VERY interesting situation. Your friend’s wife will appreciate your willingness to be a listening ear. Her religion, family and culture will likely dictate how she will handle the funeral, memorial, burial, etc. Source out some bereavement counseling for her, she may not need it now, but might be thankful to have the connection later. You are doing the right thing as a friend, your mom might be giving you ‘old school’ advice. There was a time when no one spoke of the death, they showed up at the funeral and paid their respects and that was it. I think that times have changed and by being available, either by phone, e-mail or in person is the best you can do for the widow at this time.
hmmm tough one. I think in no way are you required to fly there early to plan it all or help her via cell. That’s unrealistic and would take so much time. Maybe if you lived in the same city it would be ok to help out a little more. Maybe offer to say some nice words at his funeral or celebration of life party? Help the wife the days you are there, but other than that…..don’t feel obligated. In my honest opinion, people put too much effort into the deceased. That sounds kinda rude, but your friend is in a much better place now free of liver cancer. Planning these funerals are for the satisfaction of those who are alive since the dead are well…. in a better place. You helped your friend while he was alive…and you’re a good person. Just let the wife and her lady friends help.