……..help Me……….?

My aunt just died. I liked her a lot, but I haven’t seen her in awhile. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time a loved one of mine died, but her death is affecting me especially, one because I love her but two because I feel guilty about it. Let me explain,
She’s a paternal aunt. One of the reasons we’ve been out of touch for a bit is because my mother and father split up before I was 3. Then my mom moved us around a lot from state to state, so I was hardly ever around his side of the family, and because I hadn’t been raised around them I had always been shy about going to visit, they were like strangers so I didn’t know how to approach them, it was mainly the holidays or special ocassions, weddings, funerals and not even that so much now, I’m also just naturally a shy person and don’t like going to gatherings nor do I make friends well. That bothers at least some people on his side of the family, it makes them mad like they’re being snubbed, but my aunt at least didn’t seem to mind. Anyway, my father and I are estranged, he was abusive to both me and my mother. So I’ve been trying to get away from him for years, that made me avoid my aunt too though because they were around each other a lot, they lived together for awhile, and I didn’t want my father to find me. I thought if I contacted her then he’d end up involved. I’ve wanted to get back in touch with her badly though, I thought about her all the time, and I had these plans that once I had enough money to make it I’d send her these annonymous gifts again and again as a introduction and maybe an apology since it had been a couple of years… but all of this is worthless now that she’s dead. I let her down. She probably didn’t even know that I cared anything about her. Worse of all her death may have been a suicide, it hasn’t been ruled out yet. If that’s the case then I wonder if I may have been able to do something about it, cheer her up so it didn’t happen. I’ve been feeling sick and tired all day.
What are your thoughts?