My mum has suffered a long terminal illness and has been given 4 – 6 months to live. She’s currently been in the hospital for 2 months now.
I have solely cared for my mum from the start when she started to be less independent and up until July of this year when she went into a care home. So in total 5 1/2 years.
My older sister left home at 18 and never looked backed. She hasn’t mum in 9 years. I was not allowed to talk about mum to her. She made the statement to me a few years ago when I tried to convince her to go see mum on her birthday that she wasn’t interest and the only time she wants to hear about mum is when she was dead and buried. And that she had no intention of going to the funeral.
I chose not to tell her that mum was getting a lot worse, and she heard the news through our older brother. She went absolutely crazy at me saying I had no right keeping that news from her and I’ve interfered with her making amends with mum. And then she said she wanted updates on how mum was doing and that she planned to visit her. A 2 weeks on and she hasn’t actually visited her but she text’s randomly asking how mum is. And when I asked her about visiting she always makes an excuse. She’s sick. Her children are sick. The cat’s sick. The car doesn’t work. She’s got things to do. The excuses are endless.
I took it upon myself and decided that I wasn’t going to be her personal messenger and if she wanted to know how mum was then she’d have to visit her in hospital like the rest of us are doing.
Did I make the right decision? Or did I let my own issues with my sister interfere and act out of anger? I just feel like she can’t pick and chose when she want’s to know how mum is doing and expect me to give her the full report.
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Not sure why your sister was initially so angry at your mum wanting her ‘dead and buried’, but it sounds like your sister is starting to either feel guilt about not having more contact with your sick mother (although the guilt is obviously not enough to get her to the hospital to visit) or it is an act for other family members or friends who know your mother is sick. God forbid your sister should be known as the cold hearted daughter who didn’t care how her mother was on her death bed!!
You have enough to worry about caring for your mum in her state of illness. As you say if your sister wants to know how your mum is doing, she can contact the hospital or other family members. She is being selfish and heartless. However… standby for when your mother does pass away (and I hope its a long way off).. because your sister will invent in her head what a great relationship she and your mother had and will (out of guilt) try to convince you all that she was helpful and involved right up until the end!! Typical actions of a person who suffers post death guilt over a parent. Seen it sooo many times!
In short… no you are not doing the wrong thing.
I beloved you are doing a good job and should keep it up.
I feel deeply sorry for you.
I think that you are doing a great thing by sticking by your mum’s side and looking after her – your sister should come and visit if she cares at all that your mum is ill. Just concentrate on looking after your mum and don’t bother with other people, if it meant that much to them they would visit themselves, if my mum was terminal I would be by her side in hospital every second of every day.